Any good Democrat/liberal jokes?

[Aaroncole]

I love a good joke?

Reagan said...

"I'd say that democrats spend like drunken sailors, but that's be an insult to drunken sailor, cause at least they spend their own money."

[DoctorDoom]

There aren't that many actual RAT/liberal jokes, mostly because humor is never able to keep up with the dumb things they actually say and do.

There are a carload of Klintoon jokes, however. Here are a few.

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Bill Clinton died and St. Peter sent him straight to hell. There the Devil greeted him personally.

Devil: Mr. President, Welcome. You are indeed an honored guest here. You are such an acquisition for us I am going to give you a special priviledge - you will be able to see three choices of how you will be spending eternity, and you may choose which one you prefer.
Clinton: Well, thanks.

The Devil opens the first door and there is Newt Gingrich on a bar-b-que spit turning over hot coals.

Clinton: That looks OK, what would I do here?
Devil: You just have to keep turning the spit over.
Clinton: Sounds fine, but that will probably get boring.

The Devil opens the second door and there are all the Republicans on the House Judiciary Committee in a vat of boiling oil.

Clinton: Looks good, what would I have to do here?
Devil: You just have to keep shoveling coal to keep the fire going.
Clinton: Sounds fine, but that might get kind of boring, too.

The Devil opens the third door and Monica Lewinsky is on her knees doing what she does so well with Special Prosecutor Ken Starr.

Clinton: Okay, THIS I can handle! I'll take it.
Devil: You're sure of that?
Clinton: Are you kidding? An eternity of that? Absolutely!
Devil: So be it! OK, Monica, you can leave.

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On his way home from work at the Pentagon a Marine colonel found himself completely stopped in a snarl of traffic. "Wow," he thought to himself, "this traffic is worse than usual. Nothing's moving." Then he spotted a police officer walking back and forth between the motionless lines of cars. The colonel rolled down his window and shouted out, "Excuse me, officer, what's the holdup?"

The officer replied, "The President is so depressed about the whole impeachment thing, all those rape allegations, and the wag-the-dog military screw-up in Yugoslavia, he stopped his motocade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his attorneys. I'm just walking around from one stopped car to another taking up a collection for him."

"Oh, really?" the colonel replied. "How much have you collected so far?"

The police officer glanced back at the colonel. "Well, so far only about three hundred gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning!"

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One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did." advised George.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I can do for the country?" Clinton asked.

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.

Clinton didn't sleep well the next night and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abrahm Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.

"Go to the theater!"

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President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

"And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter.
It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly President of the United States and Leader of the Free World."
"Oh, Mr. President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter.
"I'd like to come in," replies Clinton.
"Sure," but first you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?"

Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you can't call it "dope-smoking" because I didn't inhale. There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can't call it "adultery" because I didn't achieve full "sexual relations", and I made some statements that were misleading but legally accurate - You can't call it bearing "false witness" because as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard of perjury".

With that, St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly and declares, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it "Hell". You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it "eternity", and when you enter you don't have to "abandon all hope", just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

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It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bummer day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight; immediately I began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announces, "OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in. A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Greetings, friend: before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

The man said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this, I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by my finger tips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well sir," the Angel announces. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, President Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died."

Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."

[Jessie]

The old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a Democrat. Get me a change of registration form." "You can do it", the lawyer said, "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a Democrat?" "That's my business! Get me the form!"

Four days later, the old man got his registration changed. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to become a Democrat so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said: "One less Democrat".